Why Parents Snap: Polyvagal Theory, Parenting Triggers & Co-Regulation| Deb Dana
In this episode of Family Dialogues, Dr. Taniesha Burke speaks with Deb Dana, author of Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, about how parents can better understand stress, emotional dysregulation, tantrums, shutdowns, anger, anxiety, people-pleasing, and conflict through the lens of polyvagal theory.
Deb explains how the autonomic nervous system scans for safety and danger, why parents may snap, shut down, or feel overwhelmed, and how learning to “befriend” the nervous system can help families move from reactivity to connection.
Together, they explore practical ways parents can support co-regulation during meltdowns, strengthen emotional regulation through small daily “glimmer” practices, repair after rupture, and create more emotional safety with children and partners.
This episode is especially helpful for parents who want to understand their triggers, respond more calmly to tantrums and bedtime battles, improve family communication, and raise children who can recognize and regulate their own emotions.
In This Episode
You’ll learn:
- What polyvagal theory is and why it matters for parents
- How the nervous system responds to safety, stress, conflict, and overwhelm
- The difference between fight, flight, shutdown, collapse, appeasement, and fawning
- Why children cannot learn lessons when they are dysregulated
- How parents can use co-regulation during tantrums and meltdowns
- Why “calm down” often does not work
- How glimmers, gratitude, and curiosity can strengthen regulation
- How couples can understand mismatched nervous system responses
- Why rupture and repair are essential for secure family relationships
- How to teach children emotional regulation by modeling it yourself
Recommended Resources
- Deb Dana’s website: Rhythm of Regulation
- Deb Dana’s book: Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory
- Polyvagal Institute
- Deb Dana’s Rhythm of Regulation clinical training series
- Deb Dana’s books and cards on Amazon
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