How to Communicate With a High-Conflict Ex: The BIFF Method for Co-Parenting

Struggling with toxic texts, hostile emails, or constant conflict with your co-parent? Learn how to respond without escalating the fight.

High-conflict expert Bill Eddy shares the BIFF method: a practical communication strategy to help separated and divorced parents stay calm, set boundaries, and protect their children from ongoing conflict.

In this episode of Family Dialogues, Dr. Taniesha Burke speaks with Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute, former child and family therapist, family law attorney, mediator, and author of more than 20 books.

Bill explains why texts and emails can quickly intensify high-conflict co-parenting and how the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) can help parents respond strategically instead of emotionally.

You’ll learn:

How to respond to blaming, hostile, or provocative messages from an ex
Why defending yourself can sometimes escalate co-parenting conflict
The three A's to avoid in BIFF responses: advice, admonishments, and apologies
When you should respond—and when it is better not to respond
How to set firm boundaries without sounding hostile
How to document difficult interactions factually if conflict may become a legal issue
Why children can absorb a parent's anger toward the other parent
How to communicate with a child who is rejecting or distancing themselves from one parent
How BIFF skills can also improve communication with spouses, teenagers, and other family members

Bill emphasizes that children can absorb a parent's emotions during divorce and separation, particularly when they repeatedly hear anger or negative messages about the other parent. His central message for parents: communication does not have to be driven by fear, anger, or the need to win. With practice, parents can become more deliberate about what they need to communicate and what outcome they want from the conversation.